Entry 94: The Ex
While scrolling through Facebook, I saw a friend's post that mentioned a "20-Day Writing Challenge," which is a list of topics that helps bloggers with their journal entries. Of the 20 topics, I decided the most interesting one was "Things You'd Say to an Ex."
Whenever I refer to my high school ex in a story, I always use the phrase, "in high school I had this friend..." This was my way of leaving any unnecessary dialogue out of my story, since I don't like to refer to that past relationship. Do I hate her? No, but given the opportunity to talk with her again, I would have to sincerely decline.
In my conscious mind, I don't like to think about her, but in my unconscious sleep, I'll have a dream about her once in a blue moon. In my dream, she usually pops up as a friend, just like the stories I tell, but she knows of our past relationship. Sometimes I would tell her that I don't want us to get back together, and she would obey my wishes whilst leaning her head on my should as we sit in the park, just to mock me.
But that's a weird fantasy my brain tends to make up; so what would I say to her in real life? I have no idea. I once saw a person in college that looked just like her, which made my heart race with anxiety. What was she doing in my college? What if she sees me? What do I say?
Thankfully, it wasn't her.
Do I still miss her? Yes and no. I think I miss the time I spent with her more than I actually miss her, which is probably what I would say to her. I miss her presence, her weirdness, and her joy, but I do not miss her.
So what would I say? Probably that I miss the time I spent in her company, because it was fun to lose track of time with her by my side, and I hope she had just as much fun, if not more. I would also say that I wish we were just friends instead of boyfriend/girlfriend, because I bet we could still be mischievous on Facebook.
But now there is a disconnect that has never healed. I would say that I wish things didn't go south between us. I still remember that one time you "liked" one of my Senior Thesis posts on Facebook, after four years without talking to each other. I never knew what that moment signified, because we are not "friends" on Facebook, yet you interacted with my post. Were you happy for me that I was accomplishing a large feat in my academic career? How did you know what I was posting? Are you wondering how I have been?
I wonder how life has been treating you. You share birthdays with one of my friends, so I can never truly forget your existence, as much as I would like to. But I also hope you are happy.
And I want you to know that I am happy to have known you.